Of all these years growing up, I've always wondered when will I ever grow up to be like those people older than me. From the early age which is like around 4 years old, I have been facinated by other people around me. My parents, my lil bro and my friends. I can't help but be really focused on their behaviour, how they handle situations (both tough and simple)and at the same time how they react to it. From there, I would take in and try to be like them.

Now it's like almost 20 years living this life and still having that attitude of observing and it feels like there's not much improvement and developement since then. I still look at others and compare my standards with them. I guess it's something that I've brought with me in the process of growing up. Well off course I know I'm "growing up" but what worries me is that I still don't really see much changes. I still feel that I am lacking alot and like I've been missing a whole lot of things as I was adding in the years of my life.

Even if I did miss out, I hope to catch up with the rest and like really live life.


Another problem with myself is that I tend to have the difficulty to speak out what I want to say. I try to watch my words and in the end it comes out totally different and nothing related.

Plus when I speak to my leaders in our youth group, I find it hard to think and to engage in a normal and interesting conversation. It somehow ends with the impression that I'm boring. I mean, that's what I think though not the leaders.

And yeah, I know that I sound kinda pathetic and really pessimistic and over judging, it's just that I have it in me and it bothers me. Mostly the thoughts that swarm in my mind are basically negative. But it's not everytime that I have this, I have my ups and my downs, sometimes high too. There are times when I wonder why do I even thought of such things. There are times when I think the reason why I'm so slow and so blurr and so dumb is because of my brain. Maybe somewhere along the line, I'm almost a delayed child. I don't know. I really hope not.

So the real matter right now is where do I stand? Where have I gone to and how far have I moved? I think it's not much. That bothers me, it makes me so frustrated at times, to know that I'm not the same level with everyone else and like everyone else, I want to achieve something and be somebody. Heh, kinda shows how immature my thoughts are.... bleh.....all this stupid thoughts....